Angst and Decs...


I did it! I have cleaned my house (a bit) and this morning I have decorated the Christmas Tree. Well - still tinsel to go, but still. It's looking good. Alexa helped with a hefty dose of Mariah Carey and Michael Bublé and she's just reached Fairytale of New York.

The picture on the right was a slip of the phone as I snapped a new bauble, but I love it because it sums up exactly how Christmas feels for me. Light, colour, excitement and - a whirl of mental and emotional confusion.

Probably because I'm working hard on the unMasking, I've had more memories than usual pop up this year. Emotions I've not been aware of are clamouring for attention and although I'm incredibly busy, I'm trying to give them respectful space.

So I'm being tapped on the shoulder by people who are missing and I can't send a card to. Hugs which were not quite long and strong enough to last for a lifetime (mine) of absence (theirs). Dear friends, parents, a brother and then - in some ways the greatest loss of all, Who I Was. Although I don't recall the happiest childhood, Christmases were always magical, no doubt thanks to the sherry and sugar high working their magical effects on us all. And Santa! Goodness, I loved and needed him, and managed to believe in him until I was 10. When I randomly found out one day, I was so distraught that I couldn't go into school. 

It was a huge bereavement. And then I felt... so stupid. All those people pretending all those years, me the only one not to know. I felt a retrospective humiliation which made me determined not to do that to my children if I had any,

When it came to it, of course we wanted them to have the magic but - I couldn't bring myself to lie. So whenever they asked about Santa I would say, "He's pretend Real!" And it worked. They had the magic, and on the Day they utterly believed - but at the back of their minds they knew, really, that Santa was just another part of the celebrations. We were a Vicarage Family at the time. Christmas was sooo busy and presents had to be fitted in around church services. By the time we opened them Daddy was often dozing off. But - memories there are a-plenty.

I'm still learning the knack of focusing on the positive. By nature I'm a pessimist but I've been working relentlessly on this for over half a century because it is a sad, monochrome way to live. I think a lot of people would think I'm an optimist but my daughters know that the first thought to occur to me is always something dark and gloomy which is then replaced by something more positive. Is that masking too? I'm not sure. It's not how I want to be, I think I'd put it in the same category as someone dying their hair - changing the truth about oneself but with a purpose. I've always been aware of it, unlike many of the issues which are popping up recently.

It's been a huge eye-opener, struggling to enjoy Christmas preparations. I'm finally seeing the pressure I've been under for decades. I usually make the cake in September. This year I've had the ingredients waiting for a month and they are still unassembled. But I'm allowing myself to experience the thoughts I'm having around it all. I have always loved baking. In fact for many years I'd say mince pies were my favourite part of Christmas preparations, whereas now I'm aware of a slight sense of dread as I get ready to tackle them. 

I suppose in other words, I am experiencing Christmas as most other people do, rather than telling myself I'm loving every moment because that's what the script says. Which is interesting, because I know that the script says we all get tired and exhausted, so where did my rewrite come from? 

Still - something has shifted this week and I am looking forward to time with my family and trying not to project too far ahead and dread it being over and being back at work (which is how it works for me, I guess it's a kind of long-range pessimism - for example I love Wednesdays because they are so near the weekend, but Friday is a bit of a downer because it's not long until Monday. I cannot shake this however hard I try so I've learnt to just laugh at myself).

I've even managed to not feel too sad for any broken baubles this year. 

Today (Saturday) is a busy one. I volunteer in the Church café most weeks, and in the afternoon we are prepping food for an evening event.

My Nativity, including Roary the Dinosaur and other creatures.
This year I've taken the initiative and asked two friends if they fancy lunch and a drink in town, and they both said yes. I know that's what people do all the time, but it's the kind of thing I've always waited to be invited to and then felt sad it hasn't happened, so that's actually a huge thing for me. I think I'm doing okay, memories and all...




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