Why it matters...

Serious question. If a friend tells you you’re wonderful, do you believe them, mentally brush it off or somewhere in between? Just happened to me again and as I’m unMasking now, I’ve realised I’ve never believed it. But that possibly they meant it. I realise I've probably been taking a dim view of myself... (see photo)

Since I wrote that this morning, someone else (one of my daughters) has said exactly the same thing. So now I'm struggling with the idea that just maybe I am genuinely perceived as wonderful rather than it just being a matter of People Being Nice.

That doesn't sit easily with me. When I was 9 someone took a photo of me having a tantrum - aka meltdown - and I cannot erase the image from my memory. Back then, photos arrived weeks later from the chemist's and I remember the family looking through and laughing when they got to the one of me with a wildly distorted face, enraged that someone could belittle me by taking a photo when I was completely out of control.

I haven't seen that photo for about forty years but it is still clear in my mind, even though I have face blindness. That angry little girl just desperate for someone to intervene and stop here behaving that way. My experiences as a child have informed my career as a teacher, SEN teacher and now SEN representative helping families to enforce the law around their children. I remember so clearly how it feels to be out of control: how it feels to be that angry little girl with a heart full of rage and fear.

I spoke about something related at a church meeting last night. I spoke about the experience of being wrong-footed by a mistake because of my assumption that it must be me who was in the wrong. 

I had read the joining instructions which accidentally named the wrong venue and although I had the correct venue in my diary, I immediately assumed it was me who was wrong and drove MILES out of my way, eventually arriving at the correct venue (the one I'd originally - and correctly - thought it was) twenty minutes late. 

I happen to be the Circuit Rep for Equality, Diversity and Inclusion so I used this as an example and a metaphor for the many people who sit in church every week assuming they are getting things wrong and that God couldn't really love them quite like s/he does everyone else. I explained that this is why understanding where people are coming from REALLY MATTERS.

I wonder how many people, like me, assume that everyone else understands what they're doing in life. I doubt that's really the case. But I am very very aware of how many social cues I've missed down the years. I'm seen as someone friendly and able to engage newcomers in conversation - because I am and can... 

Still, I look back and cringe when I think of the many times I have misunderstood or reacted inappropriately. And I am someone seen as fairly socially competent. I can only imagine what it's like for people who find this even harder than I do.

So - yes, it matters. It matters that people understand the struggle to appear normal. It matters that they understand the crushing humiliation we feel when we've got things wrong. It matters that we understand that some people's Default Setting is: I Am Stupid And Inadequate - and it matters that we do everything we can to reassure and love these people into a place of safety and security.

May I suggest two things:

1 If you struggle in this way, learn to be open and honest about it, knowing that when you are, you give others permission to be the same.

2 If you don't, then learn to listen to those who do. Ask them what they need. Be there for them in whatever way they need. 

Let's live as though everyone else matters as much as we do.

Let's help people to take off their masks and thrive.